Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Pt. 12

the rotting wooden floorboards were replaced with lime green shag carpeting and the peeling brown and green striped wallpaper had vanished. Instead, the walls were paneled with floor to ceiling mirrors and the ceiling was adorned with a massive fresco of four plump, naked, cherubs partaking in some type of Pagan ceremony involving wine and a lot of rose petals. Bo was only slightly disturbed that the cherubs faces were painted to resemble Jon Bon Jovi, Mick Jagger, Steven Tyler, and Gene Simmons.
"That's quite an unusual scene up there," said Bo, trying to make small talk.
"It is not unusual!" snapped Tom Jones, the brashness in his smooth, soulful voice making Bo jump slightly. "It happens every day!" he continued, "no matter what that plump little mouth of yours says, you will find it happens all the time. So just shut up before you offend me again."
"Are you crying?" Asked Ebenezer, who was busily switching on lava lamps so as to give the trio some light to work by.
Tom Jones, who had apparently suffered some deep psychological trauma brought on by Bo's narrow minded comments shrieked, "It is not unusual to see me cry! Oh, I wanna die!"
And with that, he bolted from the funky room, nearly tearing the glow in the dark curtain of beads from the door frame.
"Do you think he'll be OK?" asked Ebenezer.
"Yes, but I do think it's a bit unusual that someone as euphonious as him can have no style or grace and be such a loser."
"It is NOT unusual" came a distant cry in the front room.
 "Yes, well, enough about this Jones cat," said Ebenezer, taking a seat on a taxidermy tiger that was sitting nearby. "Let's get down to business."
Bo gingerly removed the tooth and cornrow from his satchel and handed them to Ebenezer. 
 The old man's turquoise eyes became very round and shiny and almost seemed to reflect the stunningly gold lame shirt he wearing, unbuttoned down to his crusty navel. This made him look halfway possessed. 
"Boy, where did you find these gems, these relics of rock, these gewgaws of groove?"
Bo related his bizarre tale to Ebenezer. When he got to the part about the Christmas party photograph, all the hair on Ebenezer's chest- or torso, I should say- stood up on end, making him look like a senile porcupine.
 "Bo, what I am about to share with you is knowledge that could very easily put your life at risk, but as you are young and not particularly attractive, I don't feel any trepidation in telling you."
"Telling me what, Ebenezer LaBoeuf?" said Bo, who was beginning to sweat again.
"I belong to a specialized group of people," began Ebenezer, "A club, you might say. We are the men and women who never quite made it in the rock scene. We possessed vulgar personalities, drank more rally juice than was perhaps good for us, and purposefully made our physical appearance as hellish as possible. We were the type of people who could only become successful in a rock band. And as we aged and lost all our money, teeth, and sex appeal, we began to realize that our Rock dreams could never roll. And so now we have joined forces and are creating a new being... the ideal rock instrumentalist/vocalist."
"I don't quite see where you are going with this," said Bo, whose rubber tube top was becoming very uncomfortable on account of all the sweat accumulating in it.
"Bo, we are shaping the new generation of Rock! We are bringing it back from the dead by piecing together a hybrid man from the body parts of the legends of rock! Don't you see? You are the link, the only youngster with the gift of attracting these precious pieces of the puzzle. We are all growing too old to hunt them down, but you, you my great big hippo of a boy, are the ONE."
Ebenezer dropped this last word with such force, Bo's fountain of perspiration ceased to flow, if only for an instant.
"Your next task," continued Ebenezer, "Is to  

22 comments:

Unknown said...

Nice plug for Rally Juice! Although I'm a little horrified by the image by a hoagie-fattened teenager in a rubber tube top.

The Militant Working Boy said...

A sweaty male teenage monk, nonetheless.
Perhaps he could be the poster child for Rally Juice.
What would the billboard slogan be?

Darryl said...

"Not as dangerous as mainlining lye mixed with beef fat"

Unknown said...

Well. At least we know it hasn't been done before.

E. Studnicka said...

Really? I thought Amp Energy had that copyrighted.

Darryl said...

By the way, I've just registered the trademark "rally juice" so if you could just go ahead and reflect those changes in your post, that'd be great. I'll go ahead and fax you another copy of the memo, mmkay? Thaaaanks.

E. Studnicka said...

Mmmm, yes, well it appears Charlie Sheen is copyrighting "Tiger Blood", so you will have to work around that on the ingredients label.
True story.

Unknown said...

~blink~

Darryl said...

Why you blink so loudly?

Unknown said...

Too much Rally Juice.

Darryl said...

Your support of my product helps to finance my crippling addiction to small dinosaur-shaped sour candies.

Unknown said...

I'll bet you name them before you eat them.

Darryl said...

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Either way, I do. I'm going to name one Nico and torture it slowly. It will also be yellow, the worst colour.

It's because I like you so much.

Nadia said...

I laugh so hard at this story!!!!! :D

Unknown said...

I love having a fan.

Darryl said...

Wow, I heard the rumours but I never in a million years thought we actually did have a reader.

This changes everything!

Unknown said...

Does this mean you're going to write with your eyes open from now on?

Darryl said...

Why the hostility?

Unknown said...

In my family, it's called affection. ;)

Darryl said...

I'm so sick of keeping this family together! What do you say we let them keep THEMSELVES together for once?

Unknown said...

You seem fueled by Rally Juice tonight.

Darryl said...

It's just nice to hear that I'm being treated like family. I'm an orphan, you know.

The rally juice is probably a factor, too.